Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. (Philippians 2:12)

I, like many, struggle within their faith in God. Not that I question my faith, but not being happy being stagnant in my faith. Today, many are happy being where they are in their faith. That goes for the majority of Protestants (who believe in once saved always saved), Catholics, and Orthodox. But the above verse tells us not to be satisfied in our faith where it is, but to strive to move closer to God through Christ in the power of the Holy Spirit.

I do as many do. Daily scripture readings, Church attendance, prayers. And as a Catholic, the Eucharist is the crowning moment of the week. But there is always that longing for more. Not more in the idea of those things are not enough, but more in the idea is understanding how faith in God has to be nurtured, grown, and built within the human soul. This is only done through the power of the Holy Spirit who gives discernment. I’m never satisfied with just daily readings or with a small devotional reading.

As a Protestant, we are told to say that little prayer and its all taken care of. But scripture says so much about how that isn’t true. The above verse is a good one to start with. Work out your own salvation is where most Protestants stop. The seem to forget the last part of that verse. The whole fear and trembling part. They go to church and talk among their friends and say how they know beyond doubt they are headed to glory. But they forget what Christ said, Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? (Matthew 7:22). And they also don’t seem to see the warning in the next verse, And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. (Matthew 7:23).

Many in the Catholic Church are the same in many ways. They believe they sin, go to reconciliation, say their penance and all is done. And while confession is required (read my article on Reconciliation), it takes repentance. Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord; (Acts 3:19). But many don’t understand what repentance means. It is the conviction of the heart, true contrition (truly deep sorrow for the offense, and the changing of the mind and heart toward God and away from the thoughts and actions that led to the sin.

Since becoming an Orthodox Cathecumen, I have found the study of Scripture, the Church Fathers, and those that have held to the faith of the first century (Catholic and Orthodox), I always tend to find myself judged and wanting. I find my prayers lack in substance many times. And yes, go determine a prayer rule, it helps focus the mind and heart on God in that time of preparing oneself.

I find that no matter how much I seek forgiveness or guidance, He is silent. Does that mean I believe He isn’t answering or care? No. It means, to me, that I have to still work on being able to know His still voice. Like most, I’m inpatient. I want an answer. I am coming to understand that He doesn’t always answer. That at times He lives it for me to find His light in the darkness that I created. Sometimes, He answers and I don’t receive as I should, or refuse to acknowledge the answer because it wasn’t the one I was looking for.

I, like many others, am working out my own salvation. The hardest part is getting my mind from always looking at things academically to metaphysically. Academically is looking at things in a formula style understanding. I am learning that the study of my faith, when going beyond the academics, takes me out of my comfort zone. Understanding the faith through the eyes of men like St Thomas Aquinas is fairly easy. He teaches like the great philosophers. And academically, its easy for me. Then I read great saints from the east like John of Damascus or modern saints like St Paisios, it understanding of faith is on a much deeper level.

I am finally starting to get those little nuggets of understanding. But only through extreme difficulty of learning outside of the box of theology that many Christians are happy to stay in. Why do we stay in that little box of understanding? Because it is comfortable. Because its known. Because outside of it, we are made to look into darkness of our own creation. Not through anything other than a self imposed ignorance.

I’ll end this article with a quote that has stuck deeply into my mind as I continue on this journey of faith. From Saint Silouan the Athonite ‘Keep your mind in hell and despair not’. I understand this to mean, for me, to fully recognize that no matter what, first I am a sinful man and second, that Christ is still there as my anchor and refuge.